The Wake

(This first part is from last Sunday, so excuse the references to "Today")
About 4pm on Sunday November 9th 2008, I got it in my head to buy some flowers and take them to where Holly and I were often seen in public.
So I bought a dozen roses and drove down the hill from my house to Coulon Park. Holly and I used to walk there every day that she would stay with me and afterward, in the summer or if the weather was nice, we'd sit on a hill and watch out onto the lake. We'd have long talks there and snack on grapes or sandwiches we'd bought. I went to a pier and one by one, threw out 10 of the twelve roses onto the water. One of them landed on a big rock below. The others scattered in the water. The one on the rock might have been Holly symbolically. The rest of the roses on the water drifted over to the spot where we used to always sit. That's when I started crying. After a half hour, it started to get dark. I was dark enough with all the clouds we had today.
I got in my car and drove over to where Holly and I first met. Enatai Beach. It was the half way point from where I used to live and Holly's condo. I always road my bike through there and that one day I stopped and met Holly. I walked over to the spot where we met, third fence poll from the end of the cement dock where she was sitting in her chaise lounge. I placed the remaining two roses on that spot and thought back to when we had met. Tears were streaming out of my eyes by then. I looked around and it was so beautiful in the oncoming darkness of the evening. It was 5:30 and I heard a noise behind me. There were two long kayaks being pulled out of the water onto the beach by 6 people. I stayed for a while longer thinking of Holly and left to get some tissue to blow my nose with. I cried all the way home.
My eyes were still wet while writing this.
Hope you are well. I am embracing Holly's memory today.

The day after that was the official date of Holly's death. After work I met up with my friend Anne, who knew Holly well and we went to see a movie. (A terrible thing call "Rachel getting married") and had some dinner. That helped with the day but I still felt bad inside.
Wednesday night I went to the SCBWI meeting and that was fun. Thursday our bosses at Microsoft decided to give us a free evening of pool at a swanky new Billiard palour in Bellevue. Free food and drinks. That was also much fun. I thank them for being so kind to me on this week.

Holly McClure's suicide

Monday, November 10th 2008 is the one year anniversary of Holly McClure's suicide. It's been a very rough year since then but recently I think I've actually feeling better and can see daylight. Holly was the sweetest woman I've ever known. She cared for me more than any woman I've been with. (With the exception of my mother and sister) I loved her the best I could and it wasn't enough to save her from herself,... the demons in her mind that she fought bravely. I can't imagine what she felt or thought but I do know that it didn't stop her from being so loving. Perhaps it was her attempt at a last grasp, holding on to life. She would try her best to help me with my life and I did the same for her, even though there were times when she wouldn't allow me to help her change. We all resist that from time to time. I thought if I chip away slowly at those things that she needed help with, then it might make her life better. Now that she is gone forever, I'll never know if she could have over come those things. I don't want to make this date an anniversary to remember. Honor her surely but a suicide is not something to wear on one's sleeve for too long. I'd rather celebrate her life on the occasion of her birth then to wallow and be held down on the day of her death, by her own hand. I don't know how she would have wanted it but I know what I want from all of this. I will rise from this tragedy and move forward in my life. I am alive now and will make the best of my life without her. That does not mean that I will forget her, but I have to love and be loved in order to enjoy life. This I promise myself. If there is anything that Holly's suicide has taught me is to appreciate what I have. Continue to give to others. Love when I can. Have fun. Learn as I always have done. Create, play, laugh, celebrate, enjoy myself with no regrets from here on out. I invite anyone who reads this to do the same. Your life is just this one time. Don't squander it!
Love and peace to you. Appreciate the day always, good or bad.